Monday, September 7, 2009

Our Labor Day Salute To EMS Chiefs

So, how many EMS chiefs does it take to screw up an EMS service? Yes, of course, just one! Now, enough of that- let's get right into the good stuff.

No matter what they're called in your locale- chief, manager, director, supervisor- you just have to wonder what the hell these men and women do all day.

Without further ado, let's explore the inner workings of EMS' big, gooey dysfunctional head... here is my salute to "my" guys". Make your own- it's fun.

The Chief- The very top guy. Has no real function other than to stand beside the Mayor at certain events and deliver sound bites to the media. His favorite sound bite seems to be "Uh, I was not aware of that"

The Assistant Chief- Seems to have a mix of operational and administrative responsibilities. Rumor has it he has worked his way into the 2003 pile of paperwork in his Inbox. Also said to have the power to become invisible- this would explain why none of us have seen him this year.

The Deputy Chiefs- One guy is in charge of trip sheets- not QA or QI- just making sure there is one report for each trip. He has boxes and boxes of paper reports in his office and in his car.

The other Deputies share the responsibilities of:
  • Sending Facebook lollipops
  • Accusing the field staff of misconduct ("We're sure going through a lot of light bulbs out there people")
  • Making sure our gear and training are never appropriate for our mission
  • Playing jumble with the schedule ( Interestingly- the schedule used to make itself- you rotated through the three shifts at your station. Or made switches. After everyone starting quitting, or kept quitting without being replaced, the schedule got really, really complex)
  • Misplacing paperwork of all types- your schedule request, incident reports, whatever.
These guys are also believed to have a limited ability to become invisible.

The District Chiefs- Each has a district they oversee. They are assigned a City EMS SUV and spend their days cruising around with that vacant look one gets when they have nothing to do and eight hours to do it in.
They are also in charge of assigning asshole status to the field staff- for instance: "That Pedro, he's an asshole" "Who's that girl he works with all the time?" "Amy?" "Yeah, Amy- she's an asshole too" "Yeah"

All the the chiefs jointly share the duty of blaming the field staff when things go wrong and grabbing the credit when they go right.

With all that responsibility on the table you would have to believe there would be some pretty stiff qualifications to get a job like that. Nope- just your EMT-P patch and your proof of City residency.

Have a nice day- and put yourself down for two more credits towards your EMS Management Degree.

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