Thursday, October 8, 2009

Seasonal Safety Tips

... from your very dear friends in EMS...

It's that time of year again when America needs its annual safety check-up. You know- that stuff the folks in the fire department go out and preach when they find themselves in between episodes of Charmed... (written with a smile)

That stuff is all important- change your smoke detector batteries, check your furnace, buy a pair of snowshoes- whatever...

But those things don't even begin to address how stupid the average person becomes when left on their own to work through even the simplest everyday problem.

So here is the Pedro the Paramedic Fall Safety Short List:
  • If you are going to warm up your car, don't forget to open the garage door- better yet, warm the thing up OUTSIDE.
  • you can't burn the BBQ grill inside- I know, I know- it saves gas and heats up the whole house
  • The ice isn't (or won't be) thick enough
  • Let a pro take down that tree that's growing up through the power lines. You, your pals, a rented chain saw and a case of Bud just don't have what it takes
  • Cinder blocks are not jack stands
  • Snow? Take the bus- 'cause no matter what you think, you're not a very good driver and you didn't crash because of those lazy bastards in Public Works
  • No matter how badly you want to get up on the roof to clean those gutters or put up Christmas lights- don't balance the bottom rung of your 20 footer on the peak of the garage roof to get that extra little boost
  • Sure you want clean stuff but mixing bleach and ammonia won't produce the super cleanser you think it will
  • When you get so drunk on Halloween that the police threaten to Taze you if you don't calm down- hmm, maybe listen this year
Now that is only the shortest of short lists, but, everything above has generated a 911 call that I've responded to- not all of the patients survived. Your list might be, in fact should be, much longer.

And of course no Safety Short List would be complete without an official disclaimer:

The above are presented for discussion purposes only-the author has no way of predicting how stupid you actually are or the extent you may endanger yourself or others because of your innate stupidity or genetic insufficiency. In other words- I am not responsible for you, you are. Good luck with that.

Finally if you get in a jam, it's Nine one one. It is not Nine Eleven. There is not an eleven on your phone- we both know that.

Oh, and if you are the first one this quarter to ask "What's the number for that 9-1-1?" I will punch you. I will.