Thursday, November 5, 2009

Amazing Emergency Medical Break Through Revealed

Long time big city paramedic Pedro the Paramedic reveals an amazing break through in emergency medicine, that could save you time, money and anguish the next time you contemplate a visit to the emergency room.

Folks, I need you all to sit down. NOW! What I am about to reveal to you will change forever your view of medicine in the modern world.

Let's take a moment- there are still some stragglers who have yet to sit down...


Ok, I can't hold it in any longer. Ka- boom! You will be amazed, astonished, gob smacked to learn that not every medical problem needs to be addressed in the emergency room. More ka-booms! This is big, big medical news- but wait! It gets bigger, and better. Here 'tis- you can go to the ER on your own- yes, without the assistance of the 911 system! Ka-F******-Boom!

So what are we saying here? Well, that bruise on your thigh? The rash on your belly? The blister on your toe? None of that requires emergency medical treatment by anyone other than-hold on- YOU! Argghhh! Duck, KA-BOOM-MOTHERF*****!

But what if you just can't let go of your good friends in the local emergency room? Right- even though you are still enough of an asshole to jam up the ER with the sore elbow from last week, the back pain you've had "for a couple months", the "real big pimple" on your cheek- none, none of these minor events are medical emergencies. So don't call 911. You won't get seen faster- in fact us lazy City Medics will put your ass in a wheelchair and take you to the waiting room.Where you will wait with the girl who felt "a little shaky this morning" and the guy who won't bathe 'cause the water "feels kinda funny" on his skin.

I can feel an epiphany roll across the world wide web like a tsunami. Dare I say it? Yes- Ka- Boom!

To summarize- your minor aches and pains do not require emergency treatment and they sure as hell do not require an ambulance. Got it?

The post script- We had a cardiac arrest in my district that resulted in a save due to bystander CPR and the use of the businesses AED, again by a bystander. One of the Cities Chiefs First Responded and held down the fort while mutual aid came in from two towns south (eight minutes). None of the City ambulances came- we couldn't... want to guess why?

What? You can't guess because the knee you banged getting into your car yesterday really, really hurts and you need to call 911 to get to the emergency room...


Anonymous said...

You, Pedro, are my hero.

This brings me back to doing standby at many exciting and dangerous events such as the ever treacherous citywide 1/2 mile high school walk-a-thon - during which our ambulance was approached by a teen who should be, and looked to be in far better shape than I, asking if we had any medications for his sore ankle - he had been walking for a whole half hour!

After a brief assessment, I had to give my partner "the look" which I think just barely held him back from saying something along the lines of "Come back when it's broken, mmkay?..."

This was right before a young woman threw all manner of curse words in our direction for denying her very embarrassed teenage daughter our entire jump kit for the minor headache.

Can't forget about the "unresponsive, abdominal bleeding" for the very responsive drunk who had merely vomited red wine (and what we THINK was pizza) all over himself.

Somehow the concept of *EMERGENCY* Medical Services seems to be lost on some people!

MacLifer said...

Keep up the blog, Pedro - love it. Since I'm brand spanking new in EMS (volunteer) I have a feeling i'll be able to add some choice comments as time goes by.