Saturday, April 7, 2012

C'mon Man- Now You've Made a Patient Cry?

Yes- it's true. Just a couple of weeks ago I had words with one of the most inept Medics in The City- leaving him a quivering, blubbering mess. Un-pleasant, really. But a patient? One of our helpless, hapless, defenseless EMS patients? Well, yeah...
Here's the sordid tale- judge me as you would like to be judged.
It was a dark and stormy night- well it was dark anyway- when our patient entered into a disagreement with another drunk outside a local club. The two of them stood on the sidewalk doing the Fighting Chicken- you know, that wavy arm thing that drunks do before they fight- when combatant "A" punched our patient in the belly. Our patient- let's call him Drunken Tough Guy Jimmy- fell down, rolled around a little, puked and then sat on the curb yelling at his girlfriend. That might have been the end of it- except Drunken Tough Guy Jimmy pushed his girl off the sidewalk and she made such a scene that the police were called.
Now, if you find yourself in this situation- you know; explaining that you just lost a bar fight, puked on the City sidewalk and shoved your 'ho into traffic- you should be calm, quiet and repentive. At least till the cops leave. Not Drunken Tough Guy Jimmy- no, he started screaming at the police. Not a smart strategy at 0300 in The City.
So the police are about to through Drunken Tough Guy Jimmy in the wagon for the trip to jail when he plays the I HAVE ABDOMINAL PAIN AND I CAN'T BREATH card. Yes- here I come in my ambulance.
When we pulled up we found Drunken Tough Guy Jimmy sitting on the curb, holding his tummy and rocking back and forth 'cause "I'm in pain man."
I asked my standard " What's goin' on tonight?" ( By the way- I got that from Grand Theft Auto- the medics in Liberty City always said "Hey, what's goin' on?") Drunken Tough Guy Jimmy decided to be a tough guy again and asked me who I thought I was. I told him I was a City paramedic and I'd love to help if he would just let me.
Drunken Tough Guy Jimmy informed me that I was nobody and asserted that he could "buy and sell me." Not just me but all the assholes like me. Now I could have gone off on him right then I suppose- but I'm a customer service kinda paramedic. So I tried to make a joke out of it- "Is that an offer?" I said with a smile.
Drunken Tough Guy Jimmy replied with a dumb look and a "Huh?" so I repeated my little joke "Are you making an offer to buy me sir?" Again, with a smile. But Drunken Tough Guy Jimmy wasn't getting it- maybe he didn't know if I was laughing at him or with him. He gave me that same dumb look and yelled "What's that asshole?" He started doing the sitting down version of the Fighting Chicken.
Still smiling I told him- " That's what I thought sir- you don't really have the money do you? You can't buy and sell me. You don't even have the intellect to have a conversation with me- do you? Let's try this- you sit there with your mouth shut until I ask you a question. When I do, you answer it and then shut the hell up again. Got it Tuffy?"
After a quick assessment I yelled over to the cops " Hey- this guy's good to go to the lock-up. See you on the next one."
...and then the waterworks started...

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